SSSOOOOOO MUCH …..

So when I first started setting up this journal I really didn’t have anything to write about or really anything in my mind that I needed to get out that i haven’t written down hundreds of time. The usual stuff like needing to loose weight, wanting a boyfriend, finding a better job, going to grad school being happy etc, etc, etc…… So I get this phone call from my  father checking on the status of my car getting repaired and I tell him its getting finished today, conversation over. No more than a minute later he calls right back and says “I need to talk to you”. Now never in the last 5 years since my parents got divorced did  those words ever mean anything good. They always lead to an argument and to me crying, so I prepared myself for whatever it was he needed to tell me.

I get in his car well my aunts car that he’s driving and of course he tells me the worst  thing ever “I’m getting married”. Immediately I jumped right off the deep end because that’s what i do in these conversations. I dive right into being spiteful and hateful and i regress to the 11 yr old i never was. I start crying and screaming saying things that i know later i am going to regret and yet i still say them.

But you have got to understand this “hoe” that he’s marrying is in fact a user and a piece of shit. i know my parents were never going to get back together but it was still the fact that i wanted both of my parents to never remarry date yes that’s fine but remarry no never. if it didn’t work the first time then it sure as hell isn’t going to work again. I may just be selfish or i may just be a  spinster at the age of 22. I have never been ion love even though i want to be and i never been in an actual relationship but i don’t see how my father who promised me he would never marry again is in fact getting married again. So much that has been going on in my head the i am constantly rethinking and rehashing and trying to see work in a best case scenario seeing my father or mother get married again to different people never worked out well. They are and have always been two miserable people.

Do i need to grow up and just be happy for my father? But in that am I betraying my mother?  Why don’t I know? Having a degree in psychology is useless. how can i help someone else if i cant even help myself? How am I suppose to help someone else when they deal with this same thing and i know that I am being immature and irrational about this? So many question and never any answers

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