i dont want this anymore

this has gotten really fucking ridiculous. everything about my life is fucking ridiculous. i cant take this shit anymore. all i want to do is cry almost every night. i am completely unhappy. with my love life which is none existent my home life which is as bad because i cant keep it in order my friendships which are all becoming very secretive and non inclusive and just about everything else in my life is a mess. why cant i find happiness why cant happiness come to me. why cant i find love or better yet why does love hate me. i am so alone it is starting to hurt i cant take it anymore. i dont want to deal with life anymore. i dont want to be me anymore. cant i please be someone else. i cant do this anymore i cant take this life that i have been given i am not strong enough for this anymore. i have no where or no one to turn too. i have nothing and no one who can be there for me without making it about them selves. my greatest joy in my life is when i can pretend to not be in my own life. when i can escape in my books or fall into a movie but even then i still become jealous of the characters and i have to pull myself away from whatever it is i am reading or watching. its just not fair and i dont know when it will ever actually become fair. i think i would be happier if i had someone to spend time with and talk to who wasnt in my family. nothing seems fair and i cant take it anymore.

Why am i not wanted by any guy who i like. is it because i am fat because i see plenty of other females who are fatter than i am who are with guys i think are really attractive and too good looking for the girls they are with. is it because i am too smart because that cant be it because no guy has ever gotten close enough to me to ever learn that about me. it cant  be because i am ugly because i am not. it has to be because i am fat but i have tried to loose this weight over and over again and i cant seem to loose it unless i go on a stupid diet plan that cost money and only works if i always eat their food there for i have no money because i am spending it on that crap.  i refuse to get surgery because i dont want the possible side effects. i just dont know what to do with myself anymore. 

what am i to do to making myself attractive to a mans eye someone help me please. this is the biggest plea of desperation i have ever given. like i have come to think it has to be me because my friend who complains about her love life all the time is always with some new hook up being guy or now girl. like i dont want to be a lesbian and yet i am jealous that she is having a quote unquote lesbian affair. and like she didnt even tell me as her friend up front and it wasnt even like she was protecting me so i wouldnt feel so alone i felt she didnt tell me because she didnt trust me. which i dont know which one hurts less the fact that she wasnt trying to protect me or because she didnt trust me.

i am gonna stop. i cant take how i feel anymore. i am done i am going to no longer exist and just make it easier for everyone i know and just fade out.


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