before sleep comes

I have been feeling really down lately well mostly because its the christmas season and as always i am by myself and i have no one to truly spend the holidays with. I have big plans for new years but as always i am ringing the new year by myself and extremely sad because i will be surrounded by people in relationships. Its always the same story every year i start the year off depressed because i am alone and i end the year depressed because i am alone. yet i am the best for advice to friends who are in relationships and need a shoulder or a ear. yet no one i want wants me o the guys who want me i would never want. i am quite superficial so what why cant i find a guy who would change all of that. every time i meet a nice guy its about sex. yet i know people who are meeting nice guys who genuinely like them because they want to get to know them. my life is a awful shit storm and the shit just gets worse and worse. I never really thought it could be this possible to hate myself more and more yet somehow i still do. some times being me just sucks i guess. i am gonna stop there because if i go any further i am gonna start crying and i really dont want to do that.

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