Long Break

I haven’t been here in awhile.

Things have been difficult.

I don’t know how to truly explain it.

My world has been crashing all around me.

Work ended up not living up to what it is suppose to be.

I got Bariatric surgery as a way out.

But it still sucked me back in.

Love life is nonexistent.

But that was never real in the first place.

Family is having a hard time understanding my pain.

But they never truly did.

Someday this will change.

Hopefully someday soon.

I am able to manifest my negative.

But no matter how hard I try

The positive just doesn’t seem to come true.


What Achievements Are You Most Proud Of?

I feel as this is going to be a short post due to the fact that I have not achieved very much. It’s not for a lack of try or want, but because I have a simple list of goals I wish and aimed to achieve. I am still working on that list and it is happening slowly but surely. This would be a question that in 10 years tops from now I will have hopefully added at least 3-4 more achievements to this list. So let’s just discuss what has happened thus far.

Going to college would be where I start at because it was something I had always wanted to do. What did I want to do once I got to college is a completely different story refer to the past previous post to truly understand this. I wasn’t the first person in my family to go to college or anything like that but to me just applying getting accepted to multiple schools and even being optioned with scholarships was a great achievement to me. I wasn’t bad at school like I always received good grades besides for math (anything above basic algebra just didn’t come easy to me it was a real struggle.) I generally enjoyed school and was just happy to go off to college and try to have a good college experience. By the time I headed into college my brother had already stopped going because he may be street smart and popular but he did not like going to class.

My next biggest achievement was during college. For a solid year I was a college athlete and I loathed every single second of it but I stuck it out because I choose not to be person who would quit mid-season or something like that. I would get up and be early to early morning practices gave my all when it came to trying to stay in shape and keep up with the even more athletic girls on the team. I enjoyed the camaraderie  of being apart of the team which is why I played sports in High School, but I knew I wasn’t built mentally for the collegiate athlete life. My grades started to suffer and my heart was no longer in it. I stayed apart of the team in another way. I became the team manager and that suited me so much more.

My greatest achievement thus far in life was graduating from college. It was hard emotionally, because my parents got divorced, my brother was going though some stuff no little sister wants to witness and my grandmother got really sick and almost didn’t make it.  I finished though in 4 years because I refused to be a 5 year college student just to get my bachelors. I graduated in 4 years with a B.A. in Psychology. I could have had a few different minor degrees if I had a better advisor but that’s ok. All the elective classes I took helped mold me into being able to work in different fields with my bachelors.

With my degree i have worked with young children as a preschool teacher. To working with 11-12 year kids as a Behavioral counselor to move up in the same field working with 13-17 year old. Now I start a new adventure as a Residential Counselor working at a Residential Treatment Center for girls aged 14-18 with co-occurring mental health and substance abuse diagnosis. I have developed many skills that can be applied to many areas of work and I am proud of it. Eventually while working in this field I will not only have earned my CADC but also earned my Masters in marriage and Family Therapy. That’s my end game. Eventually all the other things like relationships and starting a family will fall into place and become apart of my achievement list but I am in no rush for that part.

Maybe this post isn’t so short after all.

If You Could Write a Letter to your 15 yr old self, What would it say?

Dear 15 yr old Chloe’,

Whoa where do I start? Do I start by saying it will get better? Do I start with telling you boys stop being stupid? That you achieve all your dreams early than you planned? Or how about your high school friendships last forever? Maybe you want me to start with our body image issues?

Well I guess I will start with that it gets better, but not in the way you would expect it too. Our body image changes even though our body doesn’t. It’s okay to be fat as long as you continue doing what you have been doing which is staying active, playing sports and basically saying “fuck you” to anyone who says other wise. No we don’t become skinny but as you get older you love yourself more and more. Yes there is still times of self doubt and self hate but chalk that up to puberty and the crazy hormonal imbalance you suffer due to being a female and Mother Nature having the craziest sense of humor ever. We get into Yoga which greatly improves our flexibility and our performance in other areas of life. We become more okay with our self. We accept that sometimes being alone is good. Jealousy is an ugly beast that we struggle with up until college because that about the time that our patience starts to really kick in and build up to know if we wait, things we want will eventually come.

That’s where the boys kick in. They definitely don’t stop being stupid. Oh goodness they just have a harder time understanding that no one has time for their nonsense. Now I am not saying that all guys are stupid, but don’t go stressing yourself out over them. They are not all as kind as “Waddle”. You also learn that along with your body acceptance guys accept it also. So that’s a plus.

Our career plans move along slowly due to our constant indecision to know exactly what we want to do with our lives. We major in psychology because we are so use to listening to other peoples problems.After college we work with children for awhile. We learn that even though we have no plan for our own we made a good choice. Grad school will be awesome eventually we drag our feet getting there but we have a plan. Just know we don’t achieve our 8 year plan F.Y.I.

Our high school friendships fail on some aspect. Some last past college, some crash and burn while in college just know you mostly out grow your high school friends.

So Yea our confidence gets better. No matter what that’s the best thing to happen just wait. It will be better than where you are now and also you get super crafty. Love it!


Chloe’ at 28 yrs old.


What Did You Want to be as as Child? How Does it Compare to the Present?

Today’s question is a compare and contrast: What did you want to be as a child and how does that compare to how you define yourself now?

Well let’s jump right into this. As a child, I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted have more than what my parents were able to provide for me, cause that’s how they raised me by saying “we are giving you and your brother more than what we ever had.” So I wanted to be able to do that same for my family someday. When I said I wanted to be a doctor, as I got older I found different reasons on why not to be come a certain type of doctor (didn’t like giving needles, didn’t want to be responsible for bringing someone else child into this world etc.) I can’t say I was a unhappy child, I was just different from all of those around me and that weighed on me. My friends weren’t really my friends we just grew up together by the  time high school hit i was no longer apart of the group. I had to set out and start a really long and torturous path of self love and self discovery. I was content as a child, because I was smart. I accepted being different because my favorite past time was to read a book or watching cooking shows so I can learn to cook and bake. There were times when I was a child that I just wanted to fit in and be like everyone else, but again that was one of the many lessons I learned on my journey in the beginning.

So how does that compare to who I am today and now? Well I am still on this ridiculous long and rocky road of Self discovery and self Love but lets say I am better quipped to handle what life throws at me. I have more moments of being happy but those are found through a lot of sad times. I better appreciate the Happy times and continue to learn from the sad times. I have to admit that there were plenty of lows were it was really hard for me to find my way out of it. Between guys, friends, family and school it was hard to get to where I am and to be accepting of who I am.

As for the  doctor part well that’s a big NOPE. Eventually but not today. When I was a child I had it worked out that by the time I was 28 I would be in my final year of my Doctoral Dissertation. No matter what the type of doctor I was to become I should be a doctor by the end of my 28th year. That is far off from now because I haven’t even obtained my Master’s yet. Which is fine because I realized that maybe I am not ready for that maybe I had more life to live before I entered a field of practice where I am suppose to tell others how to process their lives (I want to be a Psychologist, not want but someday I am going to be a Psychologist). Soon though I already have grad school lined up and I just have to finish the application and figure out how I am going to pay for it.

The whole family thing is very far off because I am not even sure if I want a family. I haven’t met anyone who has shown me that they will be able to handle my type of weirdness. Maybe someday but for now I am okay with this because I have come across many bumps but no one to help over them.

What did I want to be as a child and how does that compare to how i define myself now? Everything that I learned as a child taught me that as long as you don’t give up on the fight no matter how long you have been fighting eventually you will become the champion of your own life. So I may be a little bit tougher and have a wall built around me but there are now plenty of people in my life who have fought to tear down that wall because they saw what they wanted in me as I eventually had to start fighting to see what is within myself.


What Would Your Life Look Like If Money Had No Meaning?

Today’s question has multiple parts so I couldn’t include it all in the title. What would your life look like if money had no meaning? Would you work? Where would you live? Who would you spend your time with? What would you do more or less of?

Well let’s start this off by answering the first part of this question:  What would your life look like if money had no meaning? If money had no meaning I would image my life would look different possibly. It all depends on what would take the place of the meaning that money currently holds in this life time. Money means a stressful life for some and an easy life for others. Yes, there are those few who fall somewhere in the middle, like myself, who see money can be a relief to lots of problems but money has also lead to lots of problems. If I look at it  from the stressful side then money having no meaning would be that there is no longer a strong value based on materialistic expectations. There would no longer be any reason to keep up with the “Jones'”. You no longer would have to struggle to obtain the basic necessities that money was used for and if you didn’t have enough money then it meant you have to live without. If I were to look at it from the view point of the easy life that money provides, I guess it would mean that people would all be based on the same level and money no longer would necessitate that money means power. Maybe without money meaning that then those people would have to rely on other attributes to obtain the things they want and yearn for. For someone who lives in the in between the relief of no longer having to live up to someones unrealistic expectations to material items would be nice and to also know that what you have is enough is also nice.

Would I work? Yes, yes I would work because even though I was doing it for money to pay bills I work in a field where I earn great satisfaction from helping others and seeing their growth. Working in the mental health if never about money because unless you are a therapist or a doctor there is little money to be made either way. So I would continue to work because I like and love what I do and wouldn’t change it for the world. I would also be happier knowing that I didn’t go into wrong field because I wasn’t making the same kind of money who is less educated than me but doing something in the manual labor industry as I often do feel now until one of my clients/consumers/residents shows that they are taking the things I am teaching them and uses it to be a better person.

Where would I live? I would live on a large plot of land in a nice size house because I can afford it right. No I would live there because I like to be in nature but not really in nature. I like the space to have events and large parties with out disturbing neighbors. Having the capabilities to farm my own fruits and vegetables and just be at peace. But this piece of land would also be within walking distance of a shore line to an ocean because I am at one when I can hear the crashing of the waves.

I would spend my time with the people I love and who loves me back. I would spend time with friends as I do now because money does not dictate my social circle.

Either than working I would continue to spend my free time doing as i want with who I want. That is something i value now and would never change due to my financial status. I love reading and crafting. I don’t allow my lack of money or my want of money to delegate the way i enjoy making myself happy. If I want to go out to eat I will find a legal way to make that happen. if I want to go to the movies or the craft store than that’s what I am going to do with or without money. My happiness is always in my control and I will not allow some outside influence to control it.

I would do more of the things that made me happy and less of the things that made me cynical. I would be more open to new experience and less afraid due to not having the money for something it were to end negatively for myself.

So to go back to the first question my life would look almost the same minus the stress. I would continue to treat myself as the first priority not in a selfish but in the way that I have no major responsibilities outside of myself.

What Would You Do If You Knew You Couldn’t Fail?

So while at work exploring on Pinterest cause that what I do. I came across a Pin that presented 15 questions to use in a journal. So I figured that’s 15 new postings since I don’t use this as much as I would like to and if I don’t have to come up with the topic that makes it even better. So as this post and all following post will be the title of  the post is the question in which I will be answering. Also they may not all be long the shortest they can be is 3 sentences(that’s the rule that I probably wont have to worry about.)

If I knew I couldn’t fail I don’t know what I would do, no I shouldn’t say that, I have a list of things I would attempt to do. I say attempt because not failing does not necessarily equate success but it does mean I tried. I didn’t give up and I didn’t prefect what I was doing but it wasnt the worse and it wasnt the best. Cause as the say in many a movie “Failure is not an option.” Be it in life, in an activity, in anything that you do.

I may not be where I want to be in life right now but in the sense of this question, knowing that I couldnt fail I would fully apply this to my education in being able to achieve my doctorate easily in 2 years even without completing anything at a masters level.

If I couldn’t fail I would be a weight lose guru cause even though I have battled and officially come to love my body, I know that it would have been an easier way to get to this love of self-love.

If I knew I couldn’t fail I would do you know the politically correct thing and end war, world hunger, world and student debt, droughts, make getting a college education a  want not a need and make that shit free cause damn, make sure that those who laid down their lives for me to have my freedoms came home (after I have ended war) and had homes and employment and all the medical needs that’s required and there would not longer be anything as unemployment. Everyone will have some kind of paying task that will contribute to society.

If I knew I couldn’t fail I would encourage people to be better people. No I don’t want some ultra peaceful society where no one gets mad, but how about when we are mad we don’t go and kill some one or rape them or perform some heinous act on children. As much as I love me a good criminal minds episode and a good murder mystery but still violence is not the answer people.

If i knew I couldn’t fail, I would educate those on how the atrocities committed in our history should not be repeated in our present. That  they should not be celebrated and that no one should be diminished as a person because of the color of their skin, sexual preference, religion and their gender.

There are so many things that I would try because I just want to be a decent human being in the end. No I am not prefect and yes I have done and will probably do some things that have sealed my spot in my own special nirvana. And no that doesn’t mean that I have any right to tell others how to live and I know that but that wasn’t the question now was it.

Until next time,

Peace and Light.


So I took a year long break from my blog due to multiple reasons. Mostly that I was very afraid of the things that were coming out when I wrote. But Im back to speak about my ongoings and the goings on of the things around.For now I am just going to mention some basic ramblings such as ; started a new job, got over my ex coworkers/friends, started a weird long distance relationship I dont think I really want to be in and many other things. I am going to become dedicated to my writings again as they helped me feel better and encouraged me to make many changes in my life. Well heres to going back to expressing myself in the best way I know how. Till next time.