What Did You Want to be as as Child? How Does it Compare to the Present?

Today’s question is a compare and contrast: What did you want to be as a child and how does that compare to how you define yourself now?

Well let’s jump right into this. As a child, I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted have more than what my parents were able to provide for me, cause that’s how they raised me by saying “we are giving you and your brother more than what we ever had.” So I wanted to be able to do that same for my family someday. When I said I wanted to be a doctor, as I got older I found different reasons on why not to be come a certain type of doctor (didn’t like giving needles, didn’t want to be responsible for bringing someone else child into this world etc.) I can’t say I was a unhappy child, I was just different from all of those around me and that weighed on me. My friends weren’t really my friends we just grew up together by the  time high school hit i was no longer apart of the group. I had to set out and start a really long and torturous path of self love and self discovery. I was content as a child, because I was smart. I accepted being different because my favorite past time was to read a book or watching cooking shows so I can learn to cook and bake. There were times when I was a child that I just wanted to fit in and be like everyone else, but again that was one of the many lessons I learned on my journey in the beginning.

So how does that compare to who I am today and now? Well I am still on this ridiculous long and rocky road of Self discovery and self Love but lets say I am better quipped to handle what life throws at me. I have more moments of being happy but those are found through a lot of sad times. I better appreciate the Happy times and continue to learn from the sad times. I have to admit that there were plenty of lows were it was really hard for me to find my way out of it. Between guys, friends, family and school it was hard to get to where I am and to be accepting of who I am.

As for the  doctor part well that’s a big NOPE. Eventually but not today. When I was a child I had it worked out that by the time I was 28 I would be in my final year of my Doctoral Dissertation. No matter what the type of doctor I was to become I should be a doctor by the end of my 28th year. That is far off from now because I haven’t even obtained my Master’s yet. Which is fine because I realized that maybe I am not ready for that maybe I had more life to live before I entered a field of practice where I am suppose to tell others how to process their lives (I want to be a Psychologist, not want but someday I am going to be a Psychologist). Soon though I already have grad school lined up and I just have to finish the application and figure out how I am going to pay for it.

The whole family thing is very far off because I am not even sure if I want a family. I haven’t met anyone who has shown me that they will be able to handle my type of weirdness. Maybe someday but for now I am okay with this because I have come across many bumps but no one to help over them.

What did I want to be as a child and how does that compare to how i define myself now? Everything that I learned as a child taught me that as long as you don’t give up on the fight no matter how long you have been fighting eventually you will become the champion of your own life. So I may be a little bit tougher and have a wall built around me but there are now plenty of people in my life who have fought to tear down that wall because they saw what they wanted in me as I eventually had to start fighting to see what is within myself.



What Would Your Life Look Like If Money Had No Meaning?

Today’s question has multiple parts so I couldn’t include it all in the title. What would your life look like if money had no meaning? Would you work? Where would you live? Who would you spend your time with? What would you do more or less of?

Well let’s start this off by answering the first part of this question:  What would your life look like if money had no meaning? If money had no meaning I would image my life would look different possibly. It all depends on what would take the place of the meaning that money currently holds in this life time. Money means a stressful life for some and an easy life for others. Yes, there are those few who fall somewhere in the middle, like myself, who see money can be a relief to lots of problems but money has also lead to lots of problems. If I look at it  from the stressful side then money having no meaning would be that there is no longer a strong value based on materialistic expectations. There would no longer be any reason to keep up with the “Jones'”. You no longer would have to struggle to obtain the basic necessities that money was used for and if you didn’t have enough money then it meant you have to live without. If I were to look at it from the view point of the easy life that money provides, I guess it would mean that people would all be based on the same level and money no longer would necessitate that money means power. Maybe without money meaning that then those people would have to rely on other attributes to obtain the things they want and yearn for. For someone who lives in the in between the relief of no longer having to live up to someones unrealistic expectations to material items would be nice and to also know that what you have is enough is also nice.

Would I work? Yes, yes I would work because even though I was doing it for money to pay bills I work in a field where I earn great satisfaction from helping others and seeing their growth. Working in the mental health if never about money because unless you are a therapist or a doctor there is little money to be made either way. So I would continue to work because I like and love what I do and wouldn’t change it for the world. I would also be happier knowing that I didn’t go into wrong field because I wasn’t making the same kind of money who is less educated than me but doing something in the manual labor industry as I often do feel now until one of my clients/consumers/residents shows that they are taking the things I am teaching them and uses it to be a better person.

Where would I live? I would live on a large plot of land in a nice size house because I can afford it right. No I would live there because I like to be in nature but not really in nature. I like the space to have events and large parties with out disturbing neighbors. Having the capabilities to farm my own fruits and vegetables and just be at peace. But this piece of land would also be within walking distance of a shore line to an ocean because I am at one when I can hear the crashing of the waves.

I would spend my time with the people I love and who loves me back. I would spend time with friends as I do now because money does not dictate my social circle.

Either than working I would continue to spend my free time doing as i want with who I want. That is something i value now and would never change due to my financial status. I love reading and crafting. I don’t allow my lack of money or my want of money to delegate the way i enjoy making myself happy. If I want to go out to eat I will find a legal way to make that happen. if I want to go to the movies or the craft store than that’s what I am going to do with or without money. My happiness is always in my control and I will not allow some outside influence to control it.

I would do more of the things that made me happy and less of the things that made me cynical. I would be more open to new experience and less afraid due to not having the money for something it were to end negatively for myself.

So to go back to the first question my life would look almost the same minus the stress. I would continue to treat myself as the first priority not in a selfish but in the way that I have no major responsibilities outside of myself.

What Would You Do If You Knew You Couldn’t Fail?

So while at work exploring on Pinterest cause that what I do. I came across a Pin that presented 15 questions to use in a journal. So I figured that’s 15 new postings since I don’t use this as much as I would like to and if I don’t have to come up with the topic that makes it even better. So as this post and all following post will be the title of  the post is the question in which I will be answering. Also they may not all be long the shortest they can be is 3 sentences(that’s the rule that I probably wont have to worry about.)

If I knew I couldn’t fail I don’t know what I would do, no I shouldn’t say that, I have a list of things I would attempt to do. I say attempt because not failing does not necessarily equate success but it does mean I tried. I didn’t give up and I didn’t prefect what I was doing but it wasnt the worse and it wasnt the best. Cause as the say in many a movie “Failure is not an option.” Be it in life, in an activity, in anything that you do.

I may not be where I want to be in life right now but in the sense of this question, knowing that I couldnt fail I would fully apply this to my education in being able to achieve my doctorate easily in 2 years even without completing anything at a masters level.

If I couldn’t fail I would be a weight lose guru cause even though I have battled and officially come to love my body, I know that it would have been an easier way to get to this love of self-love.

If I knew I couldn’t fail I would do you know the politically correct thing and end war, world hunger, world and student debt, droughts, make getting a college education a  want not a need and make that shit free cause damn, make sure that those who laid down their lives for me to have my freedoms came home (after I have ended war) and had homes and employment and all the medical needs that’s required and there would not longer be anything as unemployment. Everyone will have some kind of paying task that will contribute to society.

If I knew I couldn’t fail I would encourage people to be better people. No I don’t want some ultra peaceful society where no one gets mad, but how about when we are mad we don’t go and kill some one or rape them or perform some heinous act on children. As much as I love me a good criminal minds episode and a good murder mystery but still violence is not the answer people.

If i knew I couldn’t fail, I would educate those on how the atrocities committed in our history should not be repeated in our present. That  they should not be celebrated and that no one should be diminished as a person because of the color of their skin, sexual preference, religion and their gender.

There are so many things that I would try because I just want to be a decent human being in the end. No I am not prefect and yes I have done and will probably do some things that have sealed my spot in my own special nirvana. And no that doesn’t mean that I have any right to tell others how to live and I know that but that wasn’t the question now was it.

Until next time,

Peace and Light.

wasted day

I never realized how low my laziness could reach until today where i have spent most of this beautiful day hiding inside of my bed in my gross dirty disorganized room. Yet i have never been so calm and relaxed in my life than i have today because i have been beyond stressed all week and today has just been so quit and peaceful that my bedroom has been like small escape. I can hear the world outside moving all around me but i dont feel like i am missing out on anything my brain has been on a wandering path and it has yet to reach the destination. I dont know maybe getting up 10 this morning for no reason besides to pee is the reason i am finding tranquility in my bed maybe this weekend is just one that calls for me to be completely relaxed i dont know maybe its because i dont have my niece driving me crazy all i know is i like i like it alot

30 Day Music Challenge

Ok so the new thing or the thing that has once again become popular on Facebook are those challenges where to see what people are like. Being  that i am a Avid facebooker i have fallen into the clutches of this 30 day music challenge along with 2 of my best friends. This challenge calls on you to post a song once a day for a 30 day period(see thats where the title comes from), but the catch is you cant just post any song you want on each day you have to follow the “Rules” and post a song according to the guidelines or the question that is posed for that day. For most people the questions are fairly easy(dont worry they will be listed soon) if you are a simple music novice. but if you are someone who constantly has the ipod or mp3 player on shuffle and have multiple genres of music that you listen to on a day to day basis i.e. a music enthusiast than these questions are not so easy. Being that I am a music enthusiasts it took me 20 minutes to pick out my song for the first day(hold on tight I am going to go through each of the 30 days and what i would select in a matter of moments we are almost there), which most people would find to be absurd because it shouldnt be hard to be like this is my favorite song right now. But being an enthusiast makes it hard to pick just one song like i feel like i settled even though i chose a great song. So now we get to the good part I am going to list each rule and give at least 5 songs i can answer each day with(this is going to be my cheat sheet because i cant keep wasting 20 minutes of my life trying to find 1 song out of 100’s of songs): p.s. all of my comments will be in Italic

The Rules(sorry i misquoted earlier they are not guidelines or questions but RULES):Each day Tag @30 Day Music Challenge along with that days question, a link from Youtube and a brief description/explanation for your choice.

Day 1 – What Is Your Favourite Song Right Now? i answered this with Block after Block by Matt & Kim, but that was after Animal by Neon Tress, F*ckin Perfect by P!nk, Animal(cover) by The Warblers(Glee) and Love and Affection by Neon Trees. i kept changing my mind and even though i Love Matt&Kim i still feel like i let myself down

Day 2 – What Song That Was No 1 When You Were Born? This one is easy to answer because its pure fact not opinion and according to Billboard the #1 song on July 8, 1987(greatest day FYI) is Whitney Houston’s classic “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Love Me)” cant doubt history

Day 3 – What Song Has The Highest Play Count On Your iTunes (Or Other Music Player)?  I can not properly answer this questions being that i dont have itunes and rhapsody doesnt keep track of that type of thing but if i was to guess i would say Unpretty by TLC or Dream A Little Dream(cover) by Artie from Glee

Day 4 – What Song Do You Play When You’re Feeling Happy? again another questions that on a normal day i would spend hours trying to figure out but for the sake of my sanity lets ramble off the first 5: Good ‘Ol Fashion Nightmare by Matt&Kim, Time of My Life(cover) by Glee Cast, Listzomania by Phoenix, Pocketbook by Jennifer Hudson(plus sized JHud not the new skinny one), Daylight Troublemakers Remix by Matt&Kim and De La Soul

Day 5 – What Song Do You Play When You’re Feeling Sad? I  have a few songs for this Unpretty by TLC,  Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson, Dear Dairy  by P!nk,  Lonely Girl by P!nk, and Say All I Need by OneRepublic, Everybody Hurts by R.E.M, Great Beyond by R.E.M.
Day 6 – What Song Do You Play When You’re Angry? Well for this one since when i am angry i usually listen to something that can make me happy or something that just makes me sad but alot of Eminem and some 30 Seconds to Mars because the gets the anger out put if i am gonna pick one song its going to be Drop The World by Lil Wayne featuring Eminem

Day 7 – What Song Do You Play When You’re Chilling Out?  Anything Glee related is good for relaxing  so i am not going to divulge in picking a real song for that one

Day 8 – What Was The Last Song You Listened To? this one will have to be done the morning i wake up because the last song in my head is always the first song i listen to the next morning because i go to sleep with it in my head

Day 9 – What Is The Earliest Song You Can Remember From Your Childhood? I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor, Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper, Say A Little Prayer by Aretha Franklin,  Roxanne by The Police and a plethora of Jazz 

Day 10 – For You What Song Defines The 70’s?  I dont care about the 70’s

Day 11 – For You What Song Defines The 80’s? Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper this one is a no brainer 

Day 12 – For You What Song Defines The 90’s? Spice Up Your Life by The Spice Girls

Day 13 – For You What Song Defines The 00’s? I am not ready to pick just one yet

Day 14 – What Song Was Your First 7”/12”/Cass/CD/mp3 purchase? Soundtrack to the Little Mermaid well actually it was one of those read along books that came with the story on one side and the soundtrack on the other side(cassette tape) my favorite song from that would be Sebastian singing the Bob Marley and The Wailers classic Three Little Birds

Day 15 – What Song Do You Hate The Most? Step Daddy by Hitman Sammy Sam i dont even know how this song ever gained popularity,, Its soo stupid and Friday by Rebecca Black ever time this song is spoken about or i hear i automatically want to go fuck myself in the ear drums and become deaf

Day 16 – Post A Song From Your Favourite Artist/Band  now this “Rule” is just dumb i alot of favorites because i have a favorite band or artist based on my mood so this one is gonna be a doosey

Day 17 – Post A Song That You Want The World To Hear Fighting Song by Outernational… I became a fan of this group when i heard them at a house show and i feel everyone should become apart of the revolution rock movement … cause music can change the world
Day 18 – What Song Makes You Want To Sing Out Loud? Every song i listen too I sing out loud

Day 19 – What Song Makes You Want To Dance? Depends on my sobriety

Day 20 – What Song Makes You Want To Rock Out? Prom Zombie by Stellastarr i was put on to this song after many drunken outings and i have to hear it whenever i go out now and Wake Up by The Arcade Fire

Day 21 – What Song Is Your Biggest Guilty Pleasure? Need You Now by Lady Antebellum cause i hate country yet i enjoy this song but so glad that it replaced Maroon 5

Day 22 – What Song Gets Stuck In Your Head The Most? The Drumming Song by Florence and The Machine, Firework by Katy Perry, Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper, Land Down Under by Men at Work, All Around the World by Lisa Stansfield

Day 23 – What Song Reminds You Of A Person? Hackensack (MTV Unplugged) by Katy Perry it reminds me of a missed moment in my life with someone who could have made my life completely different and i have relived that moment in my head over and over again and when this song comes on it reminds of the person i lost because of my fucking up

Day 24 – What Song Reminds You Of A Place?  Lost by Coldplay sitting in the YuuMBA Cafe my senior year of college this song was on everytime i went in … I miss college

Day 25 – What Song Reminds You Of A Happy Moment In Your Life? Viva La Vida by Coldplay because it was my Graduation song from College they did a dance number to it and  played it when we were leaving after officially graduating

Day 26 – What Song Reminds You Of A Sad Moment In Your Life? The Truth About Heaven by Armor For Sleep. It is my death song and Family Portrait by Pink its my divorce song for my parents
Day 27 – What Song Would You Like Played At Your Wedding/Union?  Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper, Like A Star by Corrine Bailey Rae, Take It From Here by Justin Timberlake.. there are more i cant think of right now but i am never getting married so it doesnt really matter

Day 28 – What Song Would You Like Played At Your Funeral?I dont know
Day 29 – What Song Would You Consider To Be The “Soundtrack Of Your Life”? Pretty sure a soundtrack consist of more than one song so some of the songs on my sound track would be Why Is Love So Hard to Find by Jesse McCartney, Numb by Linkin Park and Pink,  Unpretty by TLC, Remember Me by Jennifer Hudson, Big Girls Dont Cry by Fergie

Day 30 – Looking Back On Your Answers, What Is Your All Time Favourite Song? of Course Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper and Unpretty by TLC

So is it safe to say that even though i did this cheat sheet i am still probably going to end up changing all these answers by the time i get to them because that is the type of person i am… UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH what was the point of this either than to aggravate my carpal tunnel FUCK

Writers Block

…. that is what i will call my absence. Well actually i would call it not wanting to cry myself to sleep. But no really you know those times where you need to write but you know that the end result will be a wet pillow from crying yourself to sleep thats where my head has been lately. To over filled with thoughts that need to escape but also to afraid to let them start to flow because then you start to cry. Work has been a hot mess and a half recently. I know i didnt go to school to be a teacher but after being a preschool teacher for the last year i thought i was doing ok, i thought i was surviving, but apparently not. For the first time in a year i had to walk away from my class(left them with another teacher) and found a room where i was off camera but in a safe room and i just cried. i felt so defeated. yes the things happening at work were what put me over the edge and brought me to tears but they werent the only things to lead to the tears. this year over all has been a painful and frustrating one. death misery depression loneliness are all major culprits in the crying fit i had. guilt and jealousy have also reared their ugly heads too. yes it is only march and yet i see no hope for happiness before 2012 starts it year. i need sleep so that is all for  now. i will try to get back later if i can.

Insomnia wins again…. actually chugging a barqs root beer has caused this

Ok so being the fat ass that i am i chugged a root beer which was caffeinated and now i am probably going to be up for a whole lot longer than i would have liked being that i have to be up at 730 for work. But anyway i want to try not to do my usual ranting and raving, maybe i will just write some poetry(which in retrospect is just my ranting in a more controlled form). Found a new band that i liked last night at a show. They are called New Madrid they are a bilingual rock band straight out of Brooklyn like my loves Outernational. So Brooklyn has brought me some good music this summer. I miss Outernational. I miss the guys in the band, seeing them live and just all in all enjoy myself because of them. They are an awesome group of guys. I can only listen to their ep and watch YouTube videos so many times ya know. well any way back to New Madrid the lead singer whose name is axel which i learned through face book is a gorgeous south American man. he plays the drums and sings. hold let me rephrase that he rapes the drums upfront and center and his singing is orgasmic live. i kind of felt like he was staring at me while they were performing and that is something i liked about the performance he pulled you not only with his performance but with his facial expressions and just his eyes alone(he wore eyeliner) can we say HAWT!!!! Back to Outernational i have decided that since chrissy wants to fuck Leo which she is more than welcomed to doing my goal is to fuck miles or Jesse preferably Jesse cause he is much hotter than miles but i have had good conversation with miles where as i have never talked to Jesse in my life. we kind of always look at each other and say hi and that be all like he is older than me and you know me i do not believe that chivalry is dead and i would rather be approached than be the approacher. I am quite old fashion that way. I guess  that explains why i am still single or actually that might have to do with my being fat…. but hey we aren’t going to beat a dead horse now are we. if we go any deeper into that i would probably ended up crying myself to sleep. ok well enough about me how about i try some poetry lol cause you know i still ended up ranting.

If love came easy

would it come for me

Would it be there whenever

i needed it and always be willing to set me free

Would love have a name or a face

or would it just be something empty

would it have an open heart

or a closed fist

would love be like winning a battle

or is it possible that love is the battle

would i want to stay and fight

well if i am asking that question

i guess love wont ever come easy

At least not for me

actually that earlier rant got me a little tired i guess getting things off my mind even though they arent the things i really want to get off my mind made it a little easier for me to fall asleep. That poem is a keeper i am gonna try to sleep now hopefully i dont fail.