New Year, New Me, Maybe?

So today is the start of something new I guess. Well that’s what everyone else in the world is saying. With the start of a New Year everyone is saying Be a better you, do kind things for others, be healthier, etc, etc, etc.

I have no problem with people who are fully committed to their New Year’s Resolutions but what about those who attempt but truly do fail or how about those who set the bar so high that they basically become unreachable.

I have set a many resolution in my last 2o+ years but I very rarely achieve them due mostly to the fact that I am self destructive and also make crazy resolution so I can purposely not achieve them.

I have made the be a healthier me resolution. I have made the try harder to be nice to others resolution. I have made a many and let’s say I have only achieved a few. Mostly a fail on my part because I don’t really feel the need to make a promise on the first day of the year that I can make on the last day of the year before.

Don’t get me wrong I am not knocking those who do make them and actually accomplish them. Kudos to you for sticking to it.

I am just stating that every year I say:

I am going to write more.

I am going to not allow negative people to affect me.

I am going to loose weight.

I am going to be Healthier.

I am going to be less sarcastic.

I am going to better budget my money.

I am going to be in an actual relationship with a Man(to old for Boys) LOL.

I am going to stop lying. HA

 

I have accomplished a few like:

Loosing my virginity.

Living on my own.

Read More Books.

Get a job that I actually like.

Get along with my co-workers.

 

Even though the list for goals accomplished is far shorter than the list of resolutions that I have made I find nothing wrong with it just that I should stop being lazy and really put my foot down on how I want my life to be. Maybe this year will be the year maybe this wont really take effect until after my birthday in July, but as far as of right now I am going to just really focus on one thing at a time cause it’s the little steps that matter the most. And my first little step is to WRITE MORE. It relieves my soul and crazies so I don’t dwell on them to much.

 

 

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Happy New Year!

As I sit here just a few hours away from the new year, I realize that I will be ushering this year  just how I ushered in this past year, Alone. Not alone in the sense that nobody is here celebrating with me (which there isn’t) but in the sense that I am romantically unattached going into the new year yet again. While there maybe a possibility for change come this new year I doubt that it will make how I feel now any better. But I dont want to make this post about how sad and lonely I am because it would just be a long post of rambling.

I just want to say HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! and that I wish 2013 bring to everyone plenty of new opportunities in love, career and friendship.

That this year be filled with love, laughter and understanding.

Peace and Calm.

and most of all I wish that 2013 brings you that hope you wish to find around every corner.

 

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

And Here I Go Again

It’s that time of year again where all I do is look at my life and see nothing but sadness. I see how lonely I am. How bitter I am becoming and how unlikable I am. While I am experiencing all of these repeated feelings I still see that there may be hope for me some where in the world, That there maybe someone who can turn me into the warmhearted person, I know I can be. I hate people who become involved with work relationships because they are volatile to the work environment. For me and my ever changing politics on what I should be dating and who I should be with I see myself approaching an em-pass. I may not exactly know what is going on inside the head of the others involved but from what I am seeing myself, I do believe that always I am fighting a loosing battle. As always I am sitting back comparing myself to those around me. Believing that I should be striving for what they have when I know that what I am looking for is nothing like that. I don’t want to be controlled or be controlling and I don’t understand why they think its OK. Hold on let’s get back to the topic at hand which is my own life. I currently feel like I am being sandwiched between two male coworkers and why this may all be in my head I still feel it. I am all one for being involved in awkward situations but at the same time I would prefer if someone would step up and just take the pitch already. I can’t be more obvious in the fact that I am open to it either way but to be a sitting duck just waiting and hoping is not at all comfortable and sometimes it just makes me feel even more depressed about my life. It always seems that I sit for so long in the friend zone because no move has been made that it becomes where I end up staying and it’s not fair. My Horoscope and Tarot Card readings all the say the same “Just wait and it will come” seems to be a repeated phrase. It;s coming, it;s coming, it’s coming is all I keep seeming to hear, read and be told to believe, but how long am I suppose to wait. My patience can only go so far and be stretched so thin before it snaps. I am not sure how much longer I will be waiting but I know that before this all ends my liver is going to begin to hate me and who knows how big the box that I store the feelings that I don’t like feel is going to become.

Should be easier

Everyday I go to work with kids to help them better express themselves emotionally and to better deal with situations that would normally induce a very difficult and negative outcome. Well tonight i had to try to practice my own words. I know its not that hard to do because i did it. But I am also 25 yrs old compared to the kids that i work with that are at least 13 yrs younger than I. When someone is saying something you don’t really agree with and you don’t wish to start an argument just saying OK is very easy. Not as easy  as it sounds like it should be but easy none the less.I said about two full sentences to defend myself and when i realized the idiot i was speaking to wasn’t listening i reverted back to just saying OK the angrier it became the harder it became to say OK but i still just said OK cause it wasn’t worth the fight.

People like this idiot I had to talk to, I like to refer to as a “brick wall” I often call my kids in my group room this when they begin not to listen even when I am trying to help them understand why I made a choice. “Brick Walls” are referred to as such because the words are literally just bouncing off the person you are speaking to and are completely wasted. They don’t want to hear anything logical. Or better yet they don’t want to hear anything that isn’t in agreement with them. 

I feel better now. I have calmed my self just by writing on here, which is also why a majority of my kids have feelings journals. To write when they are upset and they get some private feedback from me with out having me to speak it because I am pretty sure they are tired of hearing my voice .

“just back ups”

So as I drove home tonight about ten different things were thought about in my head. The usual about me feeling sad and depressed and lonely and fat and ugly, but the one that stood out the most was what i was conversing with my friend as i illegally texted and drove. 

The conversation i was having was about how she was so frustrated with her current situation that she almost thought about texting two guys who have done her wrong. Conversation as follows:

friend: last night I was so agitated and restless and frustrated… good thing i had my son… otherwise i might’ve gotten into trouble LOL

me: Hahaha what would you have done?

friend: the raging bitch mood I was in? I almost texted A or J, I was fed up with my love life. Just one of those nights. He didnt do anything wrong. with new job we just barely get to talk. Things will settle down

me: Yea… I dont understand why you still have their numbers

friend: J texts me like every other weekend. I know I should. Just a backup I guess

me: you shouldnt keep guys who have hurt you in someway as a back up. That kinda makes it seem like all the shit they put you through was ok

friend: I know. And I’ve never used them. Even before i was in a relationship never went back to j

me: but even still to keep around the temptation is only hurting you

friend: I know… and I know what I want

me: ok just saying

friend: sigh I have no patience left

me:well either find more or stop just keep bitching

 

I dont feel like i was being a bad friend but I do feel so tired of hearing the same bitching and I also feel like i was right that to keep around people who have done you wrong and hurt you is only giving them the ok sign to keep hurting you.whatever i dont have much more to say. I just feel like she was being stupid and had to just get it out of my head.

 

Late Night Ramblings

Instead of sleeping i have been up reading and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking some more. Sometimes when I think it is imperative that i get these thoughts out as fast as possible other times if i just stop thinking them they go away indefinitely. but being that i am at a weird place in my life still some thoughts which should have been gone indefinitely seem to have not gotten the message and continue to come back and play the thinking game with me. Being the wonderful thinker that I am you would think that i would have no problem with this, but this is where the rambling will ensue, I do have a problem with the returning of thoughts that at one time were seem not worthy of any further thought than what was wasted at the time. My mind continually seems to return to this past seasons Glee finale and how I know the show will never be the same. How i became highly upset that one character always seems to get what they want. Another thought that keeps returning is of one of my “best” friends and how dumb she really is for being bothered with a married man on the verge of divorce and how her whining and complaining about not being able to see him is really stupid and annoying. I get it your desperate and naive but for fucks sake stop it. No matter how many times i tell myself to try to be nice i cant. Like today she was complaining about him possibly not coming over and i literally told her you knew what you were getting yourself into so you need to accept it. Like was i wrong? Was I being the un-supportive friend, as I always am? Meh not really. I was being the realist that I am when it comes to my friends. I am not pessimistic nor am I a full on optimist but sometimes bitches be stupid and the need to hear when they are. Other thoughts that have returned. Is there chance for me and a work romance(I hope not) cause when things end and if they dont end well they get real messy and i dont need that head ache at work. Where has my lovely orgasm guy gone? why is it that the older women become the more childish they seem to behave? these things and many more keep returning maybe they will go away for a bit but i doubt it and know by tomorrow night they will be returning to agitate me once more and maybe I shall return upon this place of journaling/blogging to express these thoughts or maybe I shall ignore them till i can not ignore them any more.Image

That Sinking Feeling

As I spent this lovely day inside my depression aka that sinking feeling started to settle in again. Right now its not because of the lack of work but because of the lack of love or anything resembling someone being interested in me. I as always am surrounded by people my mother including who have someone they can cuddle up in a bed with.so of course thats whats making me feel the way i do i wish it wouldnt be as i approach my 25th birthday and realize that i have yet to have been in a real relationship or anything close to it. I remind myself that the intimacy that i have found in the 2 sexual partners i have had has not been enough. I always want something more that neither one of them was able to give me… the one gave me the comfort of taking my virginity no questions asked.. the second brought more of a wanting to stay the night but our timing was never right but due to my superficiality there was never a chance for a relationship with him but now that i have a steady schedule i have been trying to get him to come over and stay and it seems that is no longer an option for me. And as i realize that this is starting to slip away from me i am beginning to yearn for more something more sustainable to call my own. to keep me warm at night and to keep my mind from running crazy schemes that may end with me hurting very badly in the end.