What Did You Want to be as as Child? How Does it Compare to the Present?

Today’s question is a compare and contrast: What did you want to be as a child and how does that compare to how you define yourself now?

Well let’s jump right into this. As a child, I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted have more than what my parents were able to provide for me, cause that’s how they raised me by saying “we are giving you and your brother more than what we ever had.” So I wanted to be able to do that same for my family someday. When I said I wanted to be a doctor, as I got older I found different reasons on why not to be come a certain type of doctor (didn’t like giving needles, didn’t want to be responsible for bringing someone else child into this world etc.) I can’t say I was a unhappy child, I was just different from all of those around me and that weighed on me. My friends weren’t really my friends we just grew up together by the  time high school hit i was no longer apart of the group. I had to set out and start a really long and torturous path of self love and self discovery. I was content as a child, because I was smart. I accepted being different because my favorite past time was to read a book or watching cooking shows so I can learn to cook and bake. There were times when I was a child that I just wanted to fit in and be like everyone else, but again that was one of the many lessons I learned on my journey in the beginning.

So how does that compare to who I am today and now? Well I am still on this ridiculous long and rocky road of Self discovery and self Love but lets say I am better quipped to handle what life throws at me. I have more moments of being happy but those are found through a lot of sad times. I better appreciate the Happy times and continue to learn from the sad times. I have to admit that there were plenty of lows were it was really hard for me to find my way out of it. Between guys, friends, family and school it was hard to get to where I am and to be accepting of who I am.

As for the  doctor part well that’s a big NOPE. Eventually but not today. When I was a child I had it worked out that by the time I was 28 I would be in my final year of my Doctoral Dissertation. No matter what the type of doctor I was to become I should be a doctor by the end of my 28th year. That is far off from now because I haven’t even obtained my Master’s yet. Which is fine because I realized that maybe I am not ready for that maybe I had more life to live before I entered a field of practice where I am suppose to tell others how to process their lives (I want to be a Psychologist, not want but someday I am going to be a Psychologist). Soon though I already have grad school lined up and I just have to finish the application and figure out how I am going to pay for it.

The whole family thing is very far off because I am not even sure if I want a family. I haven’t met anyone who has shown me that they will be able to handle my type of weirdness. Maybe someday but for now I am okay with this because I have come across many bumps but no one to help over them.

What did I want to be as a child and how does that compare to how i define myself now? Everything that I learned as a child taught me that as long as you don’t give up on the fight no matter how long you have been fighting eventually you will become the champion of your own life. So I may be a little bit tougher and have a wall built around me but there are now plenty of people in my life who have fought to tear down that wall because they saw what they wanted in me as I eventually had to start fighting to see what is within myself.

elephant-baby-and-mom

In The Yard

When I see you something new seems to happen

I seem to loose my feet and float away from this world

Become unattached without a single care

But then all of a sudden something reminds me

Reminds that I don’t belong to you

Just as you don’t belong to me

But when you are around

Things seem to change

I have always been free but this is different

This is me seeking a freedom where we are connected

Where you are mine as I am yours

Nothing else can matter except for us

As light needs dark and dark needs light

I need you to be more present in my life

The feelings I have are hard to describe

Often times I feel like a lost child

Wandering

Wondering

Waiting

For someone

Anyone

Preferably you to find me

Save me

Set me free from my fears

Fears of hurt, sadness, pain

Fears that someday you will do the same

But for now I guess

I will just have to use this pole as my tether

As I watch you secretly

Hoping that someday we can be together

I will just keep my distance and dream

As I hope you are watching me

As I am watching you

In the yard.